Thirty years ago this week, a Chicago-area teenager named Ferris Bueller woke up with phantom stomach pains and a very real dream: To skip school for the day. That’s the remarkably fat-free plot of John Hughes’ Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, the 1986 comedy that became one of the biggest hits of the year, turned its titular hero—played by Matthew Broderick—into a proto-slacker hero for the ages, and made “Danke Schoen” one of the biggest semi-ironic hit songs of the decade. But while it has aged far better than many of its comedy contemporaries, it’s also a very different movie than you remember: Unless we’re just being too cynical here, Ferris Bueller, once a poster child for coolness, now seems kind of like … a little a-hole? In fact, a lot of the characters in Ferris feel ripe for re-evaluation. Which is why we decided to take our own day off and come up with this definitive ranking of the movie’s many characters. And right or wrong, we’re going to defend it!

39. Principal Edward R. Rooney

Neither prince nor pal, Ferris’ flustered stalker would be the worst even if he weren’t weirdly obsessed with catching a few truant high-schoolers. For starters, he thinks speaking in French and quoting Faulkner make him a charming intellectual, and not an uncool boor. Plus, he doesn’t seem to know the difference between baseball and football, which in Chicago is a Class A misdemeanor. But Rooney’s biggest offense is his sheer dunderheadedness: For all his sneering insults toward others, he’s repeatedly fooled by Ferris and Cameron’s sophomoric ruses—everyone knows George Peterson’s voice doesn’t sound like that!—and he’s constantly getting his cheese left in the wind, whether he’s tangling with a dog or chasing down a tow-truck driver. If Ferris really does have a first-class ticket to nowhere, the first person he’ll meet there is Rooney.

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Neither prince nor pal, Ferris’ flustered stalker would be the worst even if he weren’t weirdly obsessed with catching a few truant high-schoolers. For starters, he thinks speaking in French and quoting Faulkner make him a charming intellectual, and not an uncool boor. Plus, he doesn’t seem to know the difference between baseball and football, which in Chicago is a Class A misdemeanor. But Rooney’s biggest offense is his sheer dunderheadedness: For all his sneering insults toward others, he’s repeatedly fooled by Ferris and Cameron’s sophomoric ruses—everyone knows George Peterson’s voice doesn’t sound like that!—and he’s constantly getting his cheese left in the wind, whether he’s tangling with a dog or chasing down a tow-truck driver. If Ferris really does have a first-class ticket to nowhere, the first person he’ll meet there is Rooney.

38. The Dude in the Police Station

Admittedly, being played by future misogynihilist Charlie Sheen doesn’t do much to help this dude’s cool-quotient. No matter who’s portraying him, though, this guy is a full-on creep—a raccoon-faced scumbag who says stuff like “People think [my sister’s] a whore,” and uses it as a pick-up line. Maybe he should have lost a testicle, after all.

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Admittedly, being played by future misogynihilist Charlie Sheen doesn’t do much to help this dude’s cool-quotient. No matter who’s portraying him, though, this guy is a full-on creep—a raccoon-faced scumbag who says stuff like “People think [my sister’s] a whore,” and uses it as a pick-up line. Maybe he should have lost a testicle, after all.

37. The Guy Slow-Ogling Sloane in the Restuarant

The patriarchy never takes a day off, apparently. Uncool.

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The patriarchy never takes a day off, apparently. Uncool.

36. The Kid Who Spills All His Papers in the School Hallway

Someone call Alice Cooper, because cool’s out forever!

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Someone call Alice Cooper, because cool’s out forever!

35. The Chez Quis Maitre D’

With an arched tone and even archier eyebrows, this snoot in a suit treats Ferris and his friends like peons—which would be bad enough, if it weren’t for the fact that he apparently also doesn’t know what Abe Froman looks like! If the gatekeeper of one of Chicago’s swankest eateries isn’t intimately familiar with such a high-powered pork peddler, we weep for the future.

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With an arched tone and even archier eyebrows, this snoot in a suit treats Ferris and his friends like peons—which would be bad enough, if it weren’t for the fact that he apparently also doesn’t know what Abe Froman looks like! If the gatekeeper of one of Chicago’s swankest eateries isn’t intimately familiar with such a high-powered pork peddler, we weep for the future.

34. The Kid Drooling on His Desk During Class

Someone call Alice Cooper, because drool’s out…wait, are we already repeating jokes, just a few entries in? Sorry! It’s just that there are a lot of cool-ish characters in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

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Someone call Alice Cooper, because drool’s out…wait, are we already repeating jokes, just a few entries in? Sorry! It’s just that there are a lot of cool-ish characters in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

33. The Easily Duped Freshmen

Okay, so they’ve seen Alien, which makes them kinda cool. But how could they be gullible enough fall for Ferris’ clearly synthesized fake-mucus sound effects? Is it possible their shared last name is … Rooney?

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Okay, so they’ve seen Alien, which makes them kinda cool. But how could they be gullible enough fall for Ferris’ clearly synthesized fake-mucus sound effects? Is it possible their shared last name is … Rooney?

32. The Dummy Dressed Up as Ferris

If this movie hadn’t come along the next year, Ferris’ dummy would have been the coolest mannequin of the ’80s.

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If this movie hadn’t come along the next year, Ferris’ dummy would have been the coolest mannequin of the ’80s.

31. The Girl Who Offers Rooney Some Gummy Bears

Sigh. We want to root for her, we really do, but Ferris Bueller came out just as Gummy Bears became fully assimilated into the mainstream, leading candy-fanatics (or “fandys,” as they’re known) to brand the multi-colored treats as total sell-out sweets. If she’d come equipped with something a little edgier—Nerds, Big League Chew, even a then-still-shocking Zagnut—she’d be ranked higher. But Gummy Bears? Sheesh. That’s like offering a Glass Tiger cassette to someone wearing a Replacements shirt!

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Sigh. We want to root for her, we really do, but Ferris Bueller came out just as Gummy Bears became fully assimilated into the mainstream, leading candy-fanatics (or “fandys,” as they’re known) to brand the multi-colored treats as total sell-out sweets. If she’d come equipped with something a little edgier—Nerds, Big League Chew, even a then-still-shocking Zagnut—she’d be ranked higher. But Gummy Bears? Sheesh. That’s like offering a Glass Tiger cassette to someone wearing a Replacements shirt!

30. The Rando Girl Who Asks Ferris How His Bod is Doing

Like those freshman, she also falls for those fake-o sound effects. But she’s pretty chipper about the whole Ferris-might-be-dying thing, which is cool. Also, “bod” will never not be a cool, cool word.

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Like those freshman, she also falls for those fake-o sound effects. But she’s pretty chipper about the whole Ferris-might-be-dying thing, which is cool. Also, “bod” will never not be a cool, cool word.

29. The Men’s Room Attendant

He looks like he either just watched The Shining, or just escaped from The Shining. Either way: Cool.

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He looks like he either just watched The Shining, or just escaped from The Shining. Either way: Cool.

28. The Pizza Guy Who Thinks Rooney is an Idiot

When he’s not fighting turtles and crabs in the sewer with his brother Luigi, this guy is preoccupied with being cool.

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When he’s not fighting turtles and crabs in the sewer with his brother Luigi, this guy is preoccupied with being cool.

27. The English Teacher

Look, it’s not easy to sell a bunch of persnickety teens on the virtues of literary symbolism. But this guy tries, and besides, he’s played by improv legend Del Close, so he’s de facto cool.

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Look, it’s not easy to sell a bunch of persnickety teens on the virtues of literary symbolism. But this guy tries, and besides, he’s played by improv legend Del Close, so he’s de facto cool.

26. The Nurse Who Tells Simone Her Grandmother’s Dead

She seems very sweet and empathetic—so much so, you feel bad that she got duped by one of Ferris’ lies. And in case you were wondering, empathy = coolness.

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She seems very sweet and empathetic—so much so, you feel bad that she got duped by one of Ferris’ lies. And in case you were wondering, empathy = coolness.

25. The Singing Nurse

Cheering up the sick with music? Cool. Not finishing your song, meaning we’ll never know what word you were going to rhyme with “pluck”? Uncool.

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Cheering up the sick with music? Cool. Not finishing your song, meaning we’ll never know what word you were going to rhyme with “pluck”? Uncool.

24. The School Bus Driver Who Picks Up Rooney

Considering how many times she likely had to endure Rooney’s patronizing muttered comments about bus drivers, the fact that she stopped for him at all qualifies her as cool. But she also seems like one of those drivers who, on the last day of school, would turn up Alice Cooper on the radio and maybe put some balloons in the bus (suburban bus drivers in the ’80s were known for doing stuff like this).

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Considering how many times she likely had to endure Rooney’s patronizing muttered comments about bus drivers, the fact that she stopped for him at all qualifies her as cool. But she also seems like one of those drivers who, on the last day of school, would turn up Alice Cooper on the radio and maybe put some balloons in the bus (suburban bus drivers in the ’80s were known for doing stuff like this).

23. Simone Adamley

We know Simone is cool. We heard it from our best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend, who heard it from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with this girl who saw her being cool at 31 Flavors last night.

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We know Simone is cool. We heard it from our best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend, who heard it from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with this girl who saw her being cool at 31 Flavors last night.

22. The Little Girl in the George Seurat Painting

When Cameron stares at A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, does he see a familial affection he could never find in his own life? A glimpse of the innocence of youth? A reminder that each of us is made of a million different particles, all of them shifting and unique? Sure. But he also sees some serious late-188os coolness.

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When Cameron stares at A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, does he see a familial affection he could never find in his own life? A glimpse of the innocence of youth? A reminder that each of us is made of a million different particles, all of them shifting and unique? Sure. But he also sees some serious late-188os coolness.

21. The Old Lady With the Giant Hairdo Who Drives Verrrry Slowly

You know what’s a pretty great Pulp song? “Help the Aged.” Then again, pretty much every ’90s-era Pulp song is fantastic. It’s never really made sense that the Britpop wars of that era were so often reduced to Blur vs. Oasis, when it could be argued that Pulp’s tunes had just as much brains as the former, and as much swagger as the latter. Plus, Pulp’s Jarvis Cocker was a better, more well-rounded frontman—think a posher, winkier Jagger—than pretty much any of his contemporaries. Anyhoo, this old lady reminded us of Pulp for a minute, which makes her cool—though isn’t it weird that, for all her cautious driving, she doesn’t seem to be wearing a seat belt?

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You know what’s a pretty great Pulp song? “Help the Aged.” Then again, pretty much every ’90s-era Pulp song is fantastic. It’s never really made sense that the Britpop wars of that era were so often reduced to Blur vs. Oasis, when it could be argued that Pulp’s tunes had just as much brains as the former, and as much swagger as the latter. Plus, Pulp’s Jarvis Cocker was a better, more well-rounded frontman—think a posher, winkier Jagger—than pretty much any of his contemporaries. Anyhoo, this old lady reminded us of Pulp for a minute, which makes her cool—though isn’t it weird that, for all her cautious driving, she doesn’t seem to be wearing a seat belt?

20. The Accordian Lady

Accordian to some people we know, she’s very cool.

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Accordian to some people we know, she’s very cool.

19. The Kid Trying to Raise Money to Save Ferris

Slacktivism? Maybe. But unlike what Ferris says in the movie, many isms are actually pretty cool!

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Slacktivism? Maybe. But unlike what Ferris says in the movie, many isms are actually pretty cool!

18. Ferris Bueller

And now, your ostensible hero: A spoiled suburban snit who whines about not having his own car; talks down to, or misleads, just about every working-class character he encounters; constantly abuses his best friend’s trust; and lip-syncs Wayne Newton. On the plus side, he is responsible for the most-used yearbook senior-quote of the Reagan/Bush years (“Life moves pretty fast; if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it”), he’s great at a parade, and he’s a Killing Joke fan (as evidenced by his bedroom, one of the coolest big-screen dwellings of all time), It’s a bit of a draw, coolness-wise: If Ferris Bueller were made today, Ferris would be a second-tier teenaged Vine star trying to sell you some sort of branded un-cola. Then again, sometimes Vines are funny, and sometimes un-cola is delicious? Hmmm. For now, let’s just slot Ferris in the “charming-enough asshole” category and go one with our lives.

Paramount Pictures

And now, your ostensible hero: A spoiled suburban snit who whines about not having his own car; talks down to, or misleads, just about every working-class character he encounters; constantly abuses his best friend’s trust; and lip-syncs Wayne Newton. On the plus side, he is responsible for the most-used yearbook senior-quote of the Reagan/Bush years (“Life moves pretty fast; if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it”), he’s great at a parade, and he’s a Killing Joke fan (as evidenced by his bedroom, one of the coolest big-screen dwellings of all time), It’s a bit of a draw, coolness-wise: If Ferris Bueller were made today, Ferris would be a second-tier teenaged Vine star trying to sell you some sort of branded un-cola. Then again, sometimes Vines are funny, and sometimes un-cola is delicious? Hmmm. For now, let’s just slot Ferris in the “charming-enough asshole” category and go one with our lives.

17. Jeannie Bueller

What, you thought this was gonna be one of those super-sharable, contrarian-culture thinkpieces, with a headline like, “Ferris Bueller Wasn’t the REAL Hero. His Sister Was—And Here’s Why (PHOTOS)”? Sorry, but nope—though her self-assertiveness and toughness are definitely cool, Jeannie is only slightly more tolerable than her brother. For starters, she’s waaayyy too vindictive (seriously, who cuts class just to get their sibling in trouble?). Even worse, she yells “you speak-a the English?” at one point, which is both snooty and problematic. Yeesh, these Bueller brats!

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What, you thought this was gonna be one of those super-sharable, contrarian-culture thinkpieces, with a headline like, “Ferris Bueller Wasn’t the REAL Hero. His Sister Was—And Here’s Why (PHOTOS)”? Sorry, but nope—though her self-assertiveness and toughness are definitely cool, Jeannie is only slightly more tolerable than her brother. For starters, she’s waaayyy too vindictive (seriously, who cuts class just to get their sibling in trouble?). Even worse, she yells “you speak-a the English?” at one point, which is both snooty and problematic. Yeesh, these Bueller brats!

16. The Construction Worker Dancing to “Twist & Shout”

As long he’s wearing his helmet, we’re cool with this.

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As long he’s wearing his helmet, we’re cool with this.

15. The Girl in Class Who’s Totally Not Having It

Yup. This is how we feel whenever Ferris goes into one of his “But I wanted a car!” fourth-wall waahmbulance spiels (Is “waahmbulance” still a thing people say online? It should be. It was like the only funny thing to be found online between 2003 and 2006.)

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Yup. This is how we feel whenever Ferris goes into one of his “But I wanted a car!” fourth-wall waahmbulance spiels (Is “waahmbulance” still a thing people say online? It should be. It was like the only funny thing to be found online between 2003 and 2006.)

14. The Other Girl in Class Who’s Totally Not Having It

Literally too cool for school. How did she not end up on the cover of a gazillion mid-’90s pop-punk seven-inches?

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Literally too cool for school. How did she not end up on the cover of a gazillion mid-’90s pop-punk seven-inches?

13. Tom Bueller

Sure, he kinda leers at Simone at one point, and he seemingly has problems recognizing his own son hiding in plain sight, but Ferris is relatively level-headed for a middle-aged father of two spoiled scamps. If you don’t think Tom’s cool, might we suggest wrapping a hot towel around your head, and then maybe having some soup?

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Sure, he kinda leers at Simone at one point, and he seemingly has problems recognizing his own son hiding in plain sight, but Ferris is relatively level-headed for a middle-aged father of two spoiled scamps. If you don’t think Tom’s cool, might we suggest wrapping a hot towel around your head, and then maybe having some soup?

12. Katie Bueller

Neither of the Bueller folks seem too plugged-in when it comes to their kids’ lives, which may explain why their children are such ungrateful little shits. But working parenthood is pretty much the toughest gig of all time, and considering Katie doesn’t lose her cool when the Vermont deal goes sour—and seeing how genuinely sweet she is toward Ferris when she thinks he’s sick—we’re gonna cut her some cool-mom slack.

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Neither of the Bueller folks seem too plugged-in when it comes to their kids’ lives, which may explain why their children are such ungrateful little shits. But working parenthood is pretty much the toughest gig of all time, and considering Katie doesn’t lose her cool when the Vermont deal goes sour—and seeing how genuinely sweet she is toward Ferris when she thinks he’s sick—we’re gonna cut her some cool-mom slack.

11. The Guy Who Does That Gnarly Flip During “Twist & Shout”

He does it in a super-cool way, just like we knew he would.

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He does it in a super-cool way, just like we knew he would.

10. The Guy Who Takes Cameron’s Ferrari For a Joyride…

Whoooooooooooooooo! This is sooooooo……

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Whoooooooooooooooo! This is sooooooo……

9. …And His Shotgun-Sitting Buddy

….cooooooooool!

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….cooooooooool!

8. The Kids Walking Hand-in-Hand in the Art Museum

Ooof, this scene: So saccharine. So, you know, deep, in that high-school senior-paper way. And yet it’s impossible not to get the slightest bit sniffly while watching it, as you think of that brief period in your life in which your troubles were still solvable, your parents were still heroic, and your friends were still within arm’s reach. Oh, geez. Look at what I’ve done! I’ve become a complete wreck. But a cool wreck, maybe?

Paramount Pictures

Ooof, this scene: So saccharine. So, you know, deep, in that high-school senior-paper way. And yet it’s impossible not to get the slightest bit sniffly while watching it, as you think of that brief period in your life in which your troubles were still solvable, your parents were still heroic, and your friends were still within arm’s reach. Oh, geez. Look at what I’ve done! I’ve become a complete wreck. But a cool wreck, maybe?

7. The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California

Ohhhhhhhhhh, yeeeeaaaahhhhh. Related: Did you know “Ooooh bowmp-bowmp, bo-chick, chicka-chicka” is Swiss slang for “cool”? “Day bow bow,” however, is not.

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Ohhhhhhhhhh, yeeeeaaaahhhhh. Related: Did you know “Ooooh bowmp-bowmp, bo-chick, chicka-chicka” is Swiss slang for “cool”? “Day bow bow,” however, is not.

6. The Economics Teacher

Sure, he may drone on a bit, but he’s in the movie for barely twenty seconds, and yet has one of the most oft-quoted lines of the ’80s. Could that be any … cooler? … cooler? … cooler?

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Sure, he may drone on a bit, but he’s in the movie for barely twenty seconds, and yet has one of the most oft-quoted lines of the ’80s. Could that be any … cooler? … cooler? … cooler?

5. Sloane Peterson

Question: Does Sloane Peterson actually like Ferris? When you rewatch the movie now, it seems like even she’s kind of leery of him, in a “Okay, man-child, this was fun, and thanks for getting me out of school, but the grown-up world awaits.” Maybe that’s a leap, but her chillness speaks to the fact that, throughout the movie, Sloane never freaks or breaks character, even when she’s faking a family member’s death, or watching Cameron’s brain go bust. She plays everything perfectly cool—maybe a little suspiciously too cool, but still.

Paramount Pictures

Question: Does Sloane Peterson actually like Ferris? When you rewatch the movie now, it seems like even she’s kind of leery of him, in a “Okay, man-child, this was fun, and thanks for getting me out of school, but the grown-up world awaits.” Maybe that’s a leap, but her chillness speaks to the fact that, throughout the movie, Sloane never freaks or breaks character, even when she’s faking a family member’s death, or watching Cameron’s brain go bust. She plays everything perfectly cool—maybe a little suspiciously too cool, but still.

4. The Coordinated Dancers Who Boogie En Masse to “Twist & Shout” on the Steps

Look, is the parade scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off—in which a rich white kid drives into the city, hijacks a float, and sings a Beatles cover of an Isley Brothers song, all to the adoration of many African-American crowdgoers—kind of a strange, semi-troubling white-boy fantasy? Yes. Is it also one of the giddiest, fun-stupidest sequences of the last three decades? Yup, and it’s all thanks to these super-cool dancers, who show up from out of nowhere and strut their stuff with so much style, the coolness actually seeps onto the steps, making it a bit of a safety hazard.

Paramount Pictures

Look, is the parade scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off—in which a rich white kid drives into the city, hijacks a float, and sings a Beatles cover of an Isley Brothers song, all to the adoration of many African-American crowdgoers—kind of a strange, semi-troubling white-boy fantasy? Yes. Is it also one of the giddiest, fun-stupidest sequences of the last three decades? Yup, and it’s all thanks to these super-cool dancers, who show up from out of nowhere and strut their stuff with so much style, the coolness actually seeps onto the steps, making it a bit of a safety hazard.

3. The New-Wave Girl at the Arcade Who Spits Soda at Rooney

Be still our Rooney-ruing heart! It’s like she stepped out of the screen from Liquid Sky just so she could head straight to a showing of The Hunger. Fun trivia: New-Wave Girl actually had a much bigger role in the film, but the MPAA demanded her scenes be trimmed, as they feared her massive coolness might induce mild bouts of “envy, hysteria, or Echo & the Bunnymeningitis.”

Paramount Pictures

Be still our Rooney-ruing heart! It’s like she stepped out of the screen from Liquid Sky just so she could head straight to a showing of The Hunger. Fun trivia: New-Wave Girl actually had a much bigger role in the film, but the MPAA demanded her scenes be trimmed, as they feared her massive coolness might induce mild bouts of “envy, hysteria, or Echo & the Bunnymeningitis.”

2. Cameron Frye

If Rites of Spring hadn’t released its seminal debut album the year before Bueller‘s release, our man Cameron would be seen as the real starting point of the modern emo movement. Penetrating self-doubt? Cameron’s got it! Well-articulated alienation? That too. Lovelorn mawkishness? Hoo boy, yes! And yet Cameron never feels like a drag nor a dip, and of all the film’s characters, he undergoes the most radical self-transformation by killing his dad’s car and discovering his own self-worth. Plus, he gets to call his principal an asshole, which is pretty much every high-schooler’s dream. Pardon our French, but Cameron’s cool—even cooler than his titular pal.

Paramount Pictures

If Rites of Spring hadn’t released its seminal debut album the year before Bueller‘s release, our man Cameron would be seen as the real starting point of the modern emo movement. Penetrating self-doubt? Cameron’s got it! Well-articulated alienation? That too. Lovelorn mawkishness? Hoo boy, yes! And yet Cameron never feels like a drag nor a dip, and of all the film’s characters, he undergoes the most radical self-transformation by killing his dad’s car and discovering his own self-worth. Plus, he gets to call his principal an asshole, which is pretty much every high-schooler’s dream. Pardon our French, but Cameron’s cool—even cooler than his titular pal.

1. Grace

Who doesn’t love Grace? The sportos, the motorheads, the geeks, the sluts, the bloods, the wastoids, the dweebies, the dickheads—they all adore her. And with good reason: She’s unflappable, even when dealing with her officious, oft-pathetic boss. She keeps multiple pencils in her hair. And she’s responsible for the single funniest moment in this entire movie, when she imitates Rooney on the phone. Grace is every put-upon-but-still-cheery coworker you’ve ever had—the one who never lectures you for being a few minutes late, who’s always down for a coffee run, and who knows how to soothe a sad, psychopathic supervisor. She’s the coolest kid in the entire school, and if anyone deserves a day off, it’s her.

Paramount Pictures

Who doesn’t love Grace? The sportos, the motorheads, the geeks, the sluts, the bloods, the wastoids, the dweebies, the dickheads—they all adore her. And with good reason: She’s unflappable, even when dealing with her officious, oft-pathetic boss. She keeps multiple pencils in her hair. And she’s responsible for the single funniest moment in this entire movie, when she imitates Rooney on the phone. Grace is every put-upon-but-still-cheery coworker you’ve ever had—the one who never lectures you for being a few minutes late, who’s always down for a coffee run, and who knows how to soothe a sad, psychopathic supervisor. She’s the coolest kid in the entire school, and if anyone deserves a day off, it’s her.

0. You’re still here?

It’s over. Go home. Go!

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It’s over. Go home. Go!

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(Almost) All the Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Characters, Ranked by Coolness