How Can We Make You Happy Today, Peter Thiel?
Peter Thiel! Love that guy. Who wouldn’t? What a fine, fine fella. Just look at those eyes—talk about a chilling effect!
If you don’t know who Peter Thiel is, set your swoon-sockets to Stun, because Peter Thiel is the best—just an awesome, handsome, awesome guy—and we would never want to give the impression that we think otherwise. See how happy he is in this picture below? That’s how we want him to look every time he thinks about his ol’ buddies at Wired: “Great, great team. Total pros. Definitely not gonna get mad and team up with a former wrestler to secretly bankroll a lawsuit against them, and all because I didn’t like what they said about me.”
Three cheers for Peter Thiel!
So, what do you need to know about Peter Thiel? Well, first off, the “h” is silent, because it stands for “heavenly,” which is so obvious there’s no need to pronounce it. Beyond that, he’s 48 years old—though we’re guessing that, with his looks, he still gets ID’d now and then. (Someone was clearly an angel investor in Ponce de León!) He’s a billionaire, but that’s not why we love him. Maybe we love him because he’s nice to animals? We don’t actually know if he is, but the animals better be nice to him, because we know a lot of animals, and they sure as shit aren’t smart enough to have $140 million lying around, just in case someone were to, you know, secretly bankroll a lawsuit against them!
Yay for investor Peter Thiel! He put the “pal” in PayPal, the “Friend” in Friendster, and the “ace” in Facebook! A++++ Peter Thiel service, would definitely Peter Thiel again!
Did you know Peter Thiel is so great that Chaka Khan once sang an entire song about Peter Thiel? This happened at Jeff Bezos’ 50th birthday party, which took place in space. The party’s theme was “Omniscience,” and the dress code was “Plutocracy Casual.” Anyway, Chaka Khan—a great singer, though surely not as good a singer as Peter Thiel!—sang a version of her 1984 hit “I Feel For You,” and then changed the lyrics to “I Thiel for you.” Peter Thiel loved it so much, he didn’t secretly bankroll a lawsuit against Chaka Khan, nor did he secretly bankroll a lawsuit against Prince, who wrote the original “I Feel For You.”
In fact, he didn’t secretly sue anyone that day!
Isn’t he great? Let’s Thiel it for the boy! If your favorite color is anything but Thiel, then you’re as aesthetically challenged as you are stupid!
💙 Peter Thiel 😚 Peter Thiel 👍🏼 Peter Thiel 👻 Peter Thiel! Peter Thiel! Peter Thiel! PETER THIEL PETER THIEL PETER THIEL PETER THIEL PETER THIEL PETER THIEL PETER THIEL PETER THIEL PETER THIEL PETER THIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!