New Amazon Dash Buttons Let You Instantly Order Condoms for Some Reason
Exactly a year after Amazon unleashed a small platoon of Dash buttons—tiny, real-life, single-product in-home buttons customers can use to re-up on toilet paper and such—the calvary has arrived. Dozens more Dash partners have signed on. You can now instantly order over 100 items with the push of a button and have them delivered in approximately two days. Some of them are pretty silly.
There are plenty of good uses for Dash, particularly when it comes to pantry staples. It’s satisfying to know that when your paper towel roll dwindles, reinforcements are just one tap away. And Amazon’s substantial expansion of the project indicates that at least someone, somewhere out there must be getting good use out of it.
That’s not entirely surprising; a Dash button costs only five dollars, which gets refunded to your account the first time you use it, making it effectively free. Still, there’s always been something a little bit absurd about installing dedicated detergent-summoning hardware. Surely one could just set up a monthly delivery, or take three taps to order on a phone, or be retro enough to visit the actual grocery store. It’s slightly less convenient, sure, but then again, what’s so convenient about affixing a beacon of consumerist sloth to your backsplash?
As so often happens in life, the situation gets even more surreal when you introduce Slim Jims.
In the interest of service to you, the reader, and of thinking through the logistics of a condom order that’s urgent enough for a dedicated Dash button but chill enough for two-day delivery, we’ve broken down all 107 Dash buttons, grouped by how reasonable it might be to have one in your home. Your mileage may vary, depending on how often you find yourself dangerously low on coconut water.
Makes Sense: The Everyday Staples
Tide Pods and Powder, Angel Soft, Bounty, Cottonelle, All (the brand, not the adjective) Laundry Detergent, Charmin, Playtex Sport, Glad Bags, Finish Dishwasher Detergent, Hefty Bags, Downy, Dixie Paper Products, Ziploc Bags, Maxwell House Coffee, Illy Coffee, Peet’s Coffee, Amazon Elements Baby Wipes, Gerber Formula, Depends, Wisk Deep Clean, OxiClean, Gain, Seventh Generation, Snuggle, Stayfree, Vanity Fair Napkins
Toilet paper, laundry detergent, paper towels, trash bags, baby stuff; basically anything you shove in a pantry or under a sink and forget about until it’s too late. Sounds good! These can also be a little bulky for a shopping cart, so might as well have a kindly UPS person schlep it on your behalf.
Okay, Sure: The Steady Orderables
Clorox Disinfecting Wipes, Clorox, Gillette, Mrs. Meyers, Wellness Natural Pet Food, Greenies Dog Treats, Digestive Advantage Daily Probiotics, Schiff Glucosamine, Ageless La Cure, Energizer, Rayovac Eagle Pack, Honest Kids, L’il Critters Vitamins, Milk & Co Baby, Milk & Co Men’s, Carefree, Vitafusion, Garnier SkinActive, Air Wick, Aquaphor, Arm & Hammer Cat Litter, Brita, Burt’s Bees, Green Works, Holistic Select, L’Oreal Paris Revitalift, L’Oreal Youth Code, La Roche-Posay, Litter Genie, MegaRed, Move Free, Old Mother Hubbard, Purina Beyond, Quaker, Schick Hydro, Schick Hydro Silk, Solid Gold Pet Food, Starbucks Doubleshot, Illy Bottled Coffee, Vichy
Skincare products, pet-care products, vitamins, razors; basically anything involving personal maintenance (or that of your four-legged cohabitant) seems justifiable enough, especially if you use them every single day. Just keep in mind that while you only push a Dash button once in a while, you live with it every day. Looking your way, Litter Genie.
Ehhhhh: The Less Defensibles
Gatorade, Smartwater, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, Optimum Nutrition Why Protein, Orbit Gum, Izze, Larabar, Ice Breakers, Blue Sky, Red Bull, Vitaminwater, Dasani, Derwent, Wilson Jones, Airborne, Caleb’s Kola, Hansen’s Soda, Mucinex, Nature Valley, Near East, Orville Redenbacher’s Gourmet Popping Corn, O.N.E Coconut Water, ZICO Pure Coconut Water, Ocean Spray PACt, Pure Leaf Iced Tea, Quest Nutrition, Quartet, Rid-X Septic Treatment, Stacey’s Pita Chips
Drinking Caleb’s Kola in so large a quantity as to require an emergency “Send Me More Caleb’s Kola ASAP” button is a personal choice. It’s also one of those items, like many others in this section, that seems more like an occasional-use product, not one that inspires the kind of two-day-delivery urgency a Dash button conveys. Office supplies belong in this group as well, if only because putting a Dash button in an office is a recipe for hilarious pranks involving unexpected bulk binder shipments.
Nope: The Motley Remainders
David Sunflower Seeds, Slim Jim, Doritos, Trojan
And then we have the Dash buttons that seem specifically engineered for purchase by undergrads who aren’t sure whether they’re being ironic. There’s nothing wrong with any of these items. They’re all either delicious or enable safe sex. But when you’ve gotten to the point that you need two-day Dorito delivery this badly, it might be time to take a step back.