The excitement, desperation and meanness of Star Wars fans
Technically Incorrect offers a slightly twisted take on the tech that’s taken over our lives.
I’ve never quite understood the mania around Star Wars.
However, some of my closest humans are obsessed. One even walked down the aisle with his future husband to the Star Wars theme music. Seriously.
I’m (trying to be) excited, therefore, at the results of a survey that have exclusively fallen into my dark, heavy-breathing vortex.
The revelations are quite stunning — if you’re stunned by this sort of thing.
It seems that 63 percent of Star Wars fans believe that “Episode VII: The Force Awakens” will be the best Star Wars movie yet. I fancy that one or two classicists would find such a notion a touch putrid.
Still, these fans justified their feelings, with 36 percent saying it would be the best because of, wait for it, “more advanced CGI.” The world will be ending shortly.
Another 25 percent offered that it would be the best because it would have “a more interesting story.” How do they know?
There are also strong feelings about Star Wars toys. Personally, I have stronger feelings about the techniques of goat-milking. However, 69 percent of these Star Wars fans worry that retailers won’t have enough toys during the manic holiday season.
They worry most about a lack of lightsabers. Some 38 percent of them are kept awake by that. They’re also concerned about not enough action figures and Star Wars Battlefront video games.
The question is, though, what they would do to secure their desired item. I regret to say that some are prepared to take Vaderian action. Seven percent said they’d be prepared to trip an elderly person, while 5 percent claimed they’d fake a fainting fit.
As for millennial Star Wars fans, 22 percent said they’d lie to other customers to cut in line and 20 percent would simply cut in line without lying. Ten percent of these millennials claimed if they couldn’t get their toy, they’d blame director J.J. Abrams.
Cue your speechlessness.
At this point you’ll surely be wondering who sponsored this research. You will swoon to the point of hyperventilation when I tell you that it was FusionOps. This company is desperate to “Rock Your Supply Chain,” so that you don’t have to experience elderly people being tripped over and millennials’ embarrassing attempts at lying.
The survey was conducted by Harris Poll between September 14 and 16, among 801 Star Wars fans who are 18 and older.
“Episode VII: The Force Awakens” is due to be released on December 18. I can’t wait.
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