The calendar still says it’s March, but Yahoo has already pulled off what’s sure to go down as one of the cruelest April Fools’ Day pranks of the year.

A convincing imitation of a news article posted to the site’s style section on Thursday claimed that Trader Joe’s would be closing all of its stores nationwide within the next year.

Food writer Delaney Strunk plugs through more than 200 words of fake news copy with unflinching seriousness before revealing the deception at the very end of the article.

(Of course, quotes like, “At this point, there isn’t enough cookie butter in the world to pave the road ahead” might have raised some eyebrows.) Read more…

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Yuppies terrified after ‘news’ that Trader Joe’s is closing forever